Dish #10 - Reality sucks?

The Dish: I almost feel embarassed writing this. Why? It proves that I really watch way too much TV. Television is a great invention. I personally can't go by without my weekly dose of Heroes, American Idol and Grey's Anatomy. We all love it to some degree. There is no other feeling that can compare to turning on the television and stumbling upon a fresh new show that you were previously unaware of and be pleasantly entertained for a good solid hour or two. Compared to film and books, it is the quick and dirty escape to an alternate reality. However, with the recent rise in the popularity of reality-type television shows, the quality of prime time has proportionally (if not exponentially) decreased as we are offered shows such as The Swan, Snoop Dog's Fatherhood, Temptation Island and Married by America. (Seriously?) If you have not heard of any of the shows mentioned above, consider yourself very lucky. Unfortunately, I have. Furthermore, here's even worse news. To add on to the list of the dumbest and most terrifyingly-unbearable reality TV shows EVER made or even considered, please welcome "THE OSBOURNES: RELOADED".

Top 10 things I'd ALMOST rather do than watch this show:
10. Listen to Willian Hung sing...for eternity.
9. Live in a spaceship with 12 monkeys and a goat until they all die.
8. Diminish my IQ equivalent to that of lab rat. (Maybe then I'll enjoy the show.)
7. Listen to Mariah Carey sing...for eternity.
6. Lose hearing in one ear.
5. Gain 200 lbs.
4. Eat a live spider.
3. Strangle a cute, little puppy and watch it die in my arms.
2. Date William Hung.
1. Be on "THE OSBOURNES: RELOADED".

Harsh, but: It's the truth. I researched the show briefly. The show's purpose remains quite vague to me but it seems to be a copycat of 'Howie Do It' by Howie Mandell. The acts are supposed to scandalous and fun(ny), full of variety and novelty. Sadly, it does not even live up to the minimal requirement of any reality TV show: entertainment. The show was shortened to a mere 35 minutes. Even FOX (oh you could've guess...) reckoned the public audience didn't deserve such torturous bullshit for an entire full hour.

I caught a glimpse of it after leaving the tube on after American Idol had ended. I felt reason sucked out of my brain as I watched a teary-eyed Sharon Osbourne comfort a crying bride (who looked as if she was about to faint) that in order for her to be married tonight, her boyfriend (who I assumed was oblivious to the fact that he had been made a groom against his will) must utter 'I do' when the priest asks him if he was willing to take his desperate girlfriend as his wife. HUH? Why any woman would make a man she loves go through such a horrifying act of embarassment is beyond me! What, you expect him to say no on national television? Not everybody is prepared to be America's most hated man like Jason Mesnick. The show stoops even lower when Ozzy Osbourne pulls out some sort of gun and frantically sprays every audience member, his wife, his daughter and eventually himself with white whipped cream. Everyone starts touching themselves and smearing white crap all over each other. I thought I was seeing the vampire party scene all over again from Blade with whipped cream replacing the blood. Oh and I think there was some band playing but who gives a crap.

Here's a link on YouTube of the preview of the show. Judge for yourself. The whipped cream part is at the end of the video. Some things should be left in the coffin forever. The Osbournes is one of them.

Dish #9 - Um...

The Dish: Sean Penn and Natalie Portman. Let your mind wander to strange places. And no this isn't about them serving jury together on the Cannes Film Fest. For this, I hope they're kidding...or at least trying to pull a Joaquin Phoenix.

The Scene: Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel in L.A.

The Action: Making out. (Oh GROSS!)

Heard from: Star...a reliable source I know (kidding) but still. Rumours are always based on some truth.

Closing Lines: I have faith in Natalie Portman so maybe they are prepping for a movie. But then again, Mr. Penn is known to be a womanizer. In the past, he has been linked to other starlets such as Madonna, Susan Sarandon, Jewel and oh, did I mentioned that he's currently married to Robin Wright Penn? I can smell affair from all the way up north here.

Back at the Cannes Film Festival in 2008.
(Image courtesy of popcrunch.com)

Dish #8: It's Official...Love.

The Dish: Here I am just spreading the love. Hehe.
Adam Lambert from American Idol 8 show last night, singing "Tracks of My Tears" by Smokey Robinson. Amazing.



Enjoy! It was cool how Smokey gave him a standing-o.

THE LATEST ADDITION: I found the mp3 of his performance. Omg, it's on repeat in my iTunes. Click here to download it. (Link/upload courtesy of http://www.rickey.org/ - Thanks!)

Mini-Dish: Questionaire!

The Mini-Dish: May tagged me. Here goes.

Here are some rules...
1. Answer the questions, but replace one question with a question of your own; and also, add a question of your own.
2. Tag eight other un-tagged people.
And here goes the questions..

What is your current obsession?
Television

What are you wearing right now?
Short-sleeved yellow knit top with grey jeans I bought from H&M Kids + my goldfish flats

Do you nap a lot?
Uh-huh.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Zak

If you were a tree, what tree would you be?
A bonsai tree

What's your most vivid childhood memory?
The year I turned five, I had a muffin as a birthday cake.

What was the last thing you bought?
A plaid skirt from H&M for work

What are you listening to right now?
The buzz from the HVAC right above me...

What is your favourite weather?
Sunny with a warm breeze, with just enough clouds to block the rays from going directly into my eyes.

What's on your beside table?
Lamp, glasses, tissue box, mug, teddy bear, hair elastics, hand cream, picture frame

Say something to the person/s who tagged you.
May, with butts like ours, we can fatburger it up all day long =)

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you want it to be?
My very own island off the southern coast of France.

Favourite vacation spot?
Egypt, never been but would love to go.

Name the things you can't live without.
The ability to consume food and not gain weight, my laptop and Internet, my stuffed animals, shampoo and other products that keep me clean!

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
A newborn golden retriever puppy!

What is the last movie you watched?
Sahara

What is your favourite tea flavour?
Black tea - the kind from Dim Sum.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Hong Kong

If you were given the chance to be a superhero, what special power would you want?
Invisibility.

What's the last thing you do before going to bed?
Check my cell for msgs

I would tag eight people but I don't know that many with a blog... Anne, Meg, Azzo, Saeran

Dish #7 - "Bye Bye Bye Matthew!!!"

The First Dish: There are two parts to this story so brace yourselves. Recently, there has been a baby boom in the celebrity world (mostly thanks to Bradgelina and Octomom - she's not a celebrity but her starvelings are). Many stars are running around like rabbits on foreign and domestic lands to mate and reproduce their very own herd of baby bunnies. Among this frantic crowd are TomKat, Brit/K-Fed (ew!), Halle Berry/hot model bf, Jessica Alba/Cash Warren, Bennifer, JLo/M.Anthony, Gywneth/Chris Martin, Donald Trump/trophy wife...oh I can keep going. Even Madonna wants to adopt another Malawian child.

The Question: How can Shiloh, Suri, Jean Preston Federline and other celeb babies stand out from the ever-increasing Under-5-I-Have-Famous-And-Hot-Rich-Parents-iGeneration-Echo-Boomers demographics?

Think no further: Just ask Valentina Pinault, the fiesty little girl who has Salma Hayek and her filthy rich BILLIONAIRE husband Francois Pinault as parents. I don't even want to go into how digustingly spoiled that kid is going to be and how much I would like to steal all her future designer clothes, handbags and shoes. (Her father owns Gucci and Balenciaga for crying out loud.) What is even more fascinating is that her lack of motor skills as a full-grown human has already earned her mother calling her a "dictator". (By that I think Salma means Nazi, not like the cool Bailey Nazi on Grey's Anatomy but like Nazi Nazi, ruler-on-earth-and-planets-beyond Nazi.) How can any 17-month old child be remotely controlling is beyond me and I'm sure her parents aren't helping to control her bossiness. Her mother thinks it's "unique and magical." The only thing magical about Valentina so far is that her parents seem to think Baby V has the sixth sense. Reason: she yelled "No no no no, au revoir!" while staring and pointing into space one night. (Salma thinks Baby V saw a ghost.) Oh boy, can someone please just tell these rich idiots how to raise a baby?

Baby V - Oh I like her. She's rocking the Evil Smirk.
(Image from theInsider.com)

The Second Helping: Sarah Jessica Parker, star of Sex and the City, is currently consulting a psychic to put her marriage with Matthew Broderick back on track. I almost peed in my pants when I read that.

Left: SJP. Right: The cheater.
(Image from topnews.in)

Oh my! I get it now. Baby V is the psychic. If Baby V grows up to be a b*tch, at least she will be smart. SJP, take those wise words "No, no, no, au revoir!" and kick your hubby out of the house.

Dish #6 - Our Lives.

The Dish: Slow day today. Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are apparently back together. Lindsay Lohan is doing alcohol lessons. Heath Ledger's final editorial works, two music videos, will be released sometime this year. ANYWAY - There was some madness in New York past Saturday with the America's Next Top Model audition. The best part is no one actually cares and I'm only writing about it because I didn't want to pen a story about Mickey Rourke visiting Russian prisons. So three arrests were made and six people ended spending the night in the hospital from this crazy uproar which stupidly enough sparked from a smoky BMW car mistaken for a bomb. Talk about terrorism frenzy. Tyra just announced that the auditions for Cycle 13 will continue for all those 5'-7" and shorter who didn't get a chance to strut their booties the first time. I still don't care...even if the competition is for short people.

Dish #5 - Panini's Frivolous Fridays

Frivolous Fridays, dedicated to new trends, restaurant & movie reviews and items-that-I-wish-I-own-but-obviously-cannot-afford.

GRECIAN BEAUTIFUL

"Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair"

[Excerpt from Ode on a Grecian Urn, John Keats]

So Mr. Keats wrote that while thinking of a big old vase. The lovers never got to, well um, love each other. Hey, the poem was written in 1819, so we can overlook the hot steamy sex that could have occurred between the two beautiful people. More importantly, the poem was more about ephemeral yet eternal beauty anyway.

While it is dark and dreary outside on this cold March day, there are some fashionable goodies out there that can still turn on the heat for spring: Grecian Goddesses anyone? It is about time you get your hands on a dress inspired by one of these colourful designs and go turn some heads!

(Btw, my favourite is the red dress by Valentino...the model looks like cloud of red smoke flowing away...away...away...)

Set 1: Monique Lhuillier, Valentino, Carolina Herrera

Set 2: Narciso Rodriguez, Blumarine, Missoni

Set 3: Versace, Versace, Versace! I love florals and that striking blue...I couldn't help it!

Dresses 10-12: Emanuel Ungaro, Oscar de la Renta, Chloe

Enjoy and thank you, Spring!
(Runway photos are courtesy of InStyle.com)

Dish #4 - For better or for worse.

The Dish: Today, the headlines go to Joaquin Phoenix. For those who are unfamiliar with the eccentric actor turned wannabe rapper, he was in reasonably respectable movies such as Gladiator, Ladder 49 and more recently Walk the Line (where he was Johnny Cash) and We Own the Night. He's not a bad actor but some time ago he started growing a beard that not only can give Santa a run for his presents but also can camouflage a very small elf. He was performing (I use the term loosely here) at the Miami nightclub LIV around 2am this morning when a heckler in the audience member instigated Mr. Phoenix to plunder off-stage to attack his confronter. Casey Affleck, his brother-in-law, was there to film the entire process. Phoenix was later hauled back onto the stage and kindly escorted out of the club.

Fingers crossed: They keep saying that he's doing this sudden switch in career to film a documentary with Casey. So his fans must be hoping that this very incident is all part of the game he's playing. They can only have faith in Affleck's directorial skills.

The Real Issue Here: As long as it's unsure whether his trippy act is going to pay off in the end, I am more concerned about his health. That beard must be taking an unimaginable toll on his nutrition. The only thing I can be sure of is that the cells that keep his facial hair growing are not the ones that can keep his brain rolling like a normal person.

Even looking like that, Joaquin's still cooler than K-Fed.
(Photo is courtesy of AP Photo/Matt Sayles, taken from CTV.ca)

Mini-Dish: Apple's newest!

The Mini-Dish: I'm not a Mac/Apple fan at all but the new Shuffle...it's just so small! It has a robotic voice that tells you what you're listening to and when batteries are low. No screen. Just a couple of buttons at the top. Volume control is on ear buds cord.

Dimensions: Some quick new tech facts and photos (all courtesy of Apple):

Height: 1.8 inches (45.2 mm)

Width: 0.7 inch (17.5 mm)

Depth: 0.3 inch (7.8 mm) including clip

True volume: 0.26 cu inches (4,326 cu mm)

Weight: 0.38 ounce (10.7 grams)

Final Words: It's only $79 US! I think this shuffle is so cute! More info on Apple.com

Dish #3 - I love Toronto.

The Dish: I really do love living in Toronto. Where else are you going to hear a story about another man who jumped into the infamous Horseshoe Falls? Well I guess that goes for the whole Niagara Escarpement. My point is, although there are many who have entered the great rapids before this man, a true Ontarian will never get sick of hearing a story like this. They called it an "unprotected tumble" on the news but I say it was more like an unfulfilled death wish. Oh yah, by the way, this dude is one of the few who actually survived such an experience. According to onlookers, he kind of just wandered in... Ok so everyone watched as his man climbed over the railings in attempt to kill himself in the most powerful waterfall in North America? Like I said, I love this country.

The Rescue: Here are some pics of the rescue. (All photos are courtesy of CTV.ca)

Pic #1 - Man struggles in cold water after going over the falls but adamantly refusing any aid.

Pic #2 - Rescue helicopter approaches over fallen man
(in attempt to blow him back to the shore).

Pic #3 - Rescue work in progress.

That would be a rescue worker trying to reach the man using a tree branch.

Yes, floatation devices are no longer the rescue tool of choice.

The Verdict: I really hope this man was just chasing after his roll-up-the-rim-to-win Timmies cup and thought it might be in the river or something because oh boy what a pathetic attempt at suicide.

Dish #2 - Jade what?

The Dish: Ok this is a very sensitive subject. Jade Goody. She's dying from cervical cancer. It made it onto BBC Entertainment headlines today. (At first, I wanted to talk about the $400 worth of new clothes on Octomom's body but decided otherwise.) So Goody married her fiance (Jack Tweed) a couple of weeks ago, she got her emotional christening in London last weekend and everyone is sad that she's dying but proud that she's fighting with whatever's left of her. Finally, she's decided to leave her London hospital and spend more time with her family. I found the whole thing quite touching so I wish her the best. She's even got a new documentary coming out soon I think.

Final Words: Wouldn't it be more beneficial for her health to step out of the spotlight for a while? That's what I'd do.

And: Who is Jade Goody again? I have no idea. I asked one of my friends just now. Her reply: "Porn star?" I should have talked about Octomom.

Oh... My colleague just informed me. She was on Big Brothers. Duh.

Fine so I snuck this pic in as an after thought but I couldn't help it. It's Octomom all glammed up.

Latest has it her neighbour-to-be just ran over his wife.

He's that upset OM's moving in next door.

(Photo is courtesy of TMZOnline)

Dish #1 - Oh Brit.

The Dish: News just never stop flowing in when it comes to America's favourite tabloid princess, does it? So Britney (ha, you thought I was talking about Miley) was caught muttering "My p**sy was hanging out!" during her Circus show yesterday. Huh? Let's back track. Britney was doing her routine for "Slave 4 U" when, all of a sudden, faster than the speed at which K-Fed's waistline grew, her shiny gold outfit split wide open, exposing none other than her crotch! Oops.

Stupidity rating: 4/5 stars

Why: No one noticed. Well, that was until she broadcasted it over her live mic, while she was changing off-stage. She's being honest to her fans. I like that. No pics/videos provided...Google, my friends, Google.

Pilot

Wow. Ok, so I got this account, well, I have no idea how long ago. More importantly, I have been perceived to occasionally have the attention span of a mature adult goldfish (what? shiny metal objects!!), I completely forgot about signing up and consequently never posted anything. Until now that is. I have decided to pursue writing a blog now because:

a) I have the time. Work is so much less life-sucking than school.
b) Because of a), I am constantly surfing the internet, finding interesting articles about stupid people doing stupid things, amazing people doing stupid things, stupid people doing amazings things...you get the picture.
c) I like to hear myself type. (Don't you judge me; you know it's therapeutic.)

So here begins the panini's daily dish.