Dish #72 - Kill the Happy Rainbow.

The Dish: First off, I'd like to welcome myself back into the world of gossip and 'news', lol. The whole being-in-Hawaii-with-all-its-happy-sunshine-ness temporarily uplifted the cynicism out of me. I have to admit, since everything was so bright, sweet and full of nectar, I did let the Hawaiian way get into my head. No fear, I will not remain jolly forever. There is nothing like a good dose of terrible Oscar-ness to whip me back in shape!

The Oscars: It was possibly the WORST and boring-est Oscar show since its inauguration by whatever council/academy/guild/blah blah blah in 1929. The banter sucked, the acceptance speeches sucked, the entertainment, or the lack thereof, was, um, below par and I actually don't remember anything from the show. Oprah showed up (I think) but then again she's everywhere so that doesn't earn the Academy any brownie points.

Who hired James Franco?? Who decided that he had hosting capabilities? Watching an automatic stapler staple blank Post-Its together would have been more captivating than his face during the awards ceremony. He looked like he was still recovering from his roles from 'The Pineapple Express' and '127 Hours': stoned and really, really burnt out. Couldn't they have put some makeup on him and cover those nasty eye bags? 

Anne Hathaway...That girl (nervous)-giggles too much. And how many times did she have to change? Her speed-changing through outfits gave me motion sickness. That one blue dress she had on made Amy Adams look pale in comparison (By the way, oh sweet Lord, what was Ms. Adams thinking?) Did I miss a Vogue issue but since when was electric blue with sequins fashionable again? 

My Oscar Awards 2011 go to:

Best Dressed: Mila Kunis

Best Dressed - Runner-Up: Halle Berry

Best Dressed - Honourable Mentions: Gwyneth Paltrow, Helen Mirren

Best Colour Palette: Scarlett Johansson

Best Hair: Celine Dion

Worst Dressed: Melissa Leo...is that even called a dress?

Worst Dressed - Runner-Up: Helena Bonham Carter

Worst Dressed - Honourable Mentions: Annette Benning, Florence Welch

Worst Colour Palette: Amy Adams

Worst Hair: Reese Witherspoon

Some Personal Coronations:

'E' For Effort: Jennifer Hudson

Most Ugh-Crustacean-Friendly: Cate Blanchett 

The 'Oh, Honey' Dress: Marisa Tomei

Most Naturally Appropriate: Hailee Steinfield

The Skanky Prom Queen: Penelope Cruz

Coolest Accessories - Tassels Earrings: Natalie Portman

Creepiest Ensemble: Sharon 'Cruella Deville' Stone

Hottest Arm Candy: 'Nearly Nude' Camila Alves 

Robo-Stepford Wife: Nicole Kidman

And finally:
The Lifetime Joaquin Phoenix Impression Achievement Award: 
Christian Bale (He so is method acting...)

Overall Oscars 2011 Grade: D-

My Pick for Oscars Host 2012: Robert Downing Jr.

Dish #4 - For better or for worse.

The Dish: Today, the headlines go to Joaquin Phoenix. For those who are unfamiliar with the eccentric actor turned wannabe rapper, he was in reasonably respectable movies such as Gladiator, Ladder 49 and more recently Walk the Line (where he was Johnny Cash) and We Own the Night. He's not a bad actor but some time ago he started growing a beard that not only can give Santa a run for his presents but also can camouflage a very small elf. He was performing (I use the term loosely here) at the Miami nightclub LIV around 2am this morning when a heckler in the audience member instigated Mr. Phoenix to plunder off-stage to attack his confronter. Casey Affleck, his brother-in-law, was there to film the entire process. Phoenix was later hauled back onto the stage and kindly escorted out of the club.

Fingers crossed: They keep saying that he's doing this sudden switch in career to film a documentary with Casey. So his fans must be hoping that this very incident is all part of the game he's playing. They can only have faith in Affleck's directorial skills.

The Real Issue Here: As long as it's unsure whether his trippy act is going to pay off in the end, I am more concerned about his health. That beard must be taking an unimaginable toll on his nutrition. The only thing I can be sure of is that the cells that keep his facial hair growing are not the ones that can keep his brain rolling like a normal person.

Even looking like that, Joaquin's still cooler than K-Fed.
(Photo is courtesy of AP Photo/Matt Sayles, taken from CTV.ca)