Dish #74 - Throwing out the Trash.

The Dish: It's time for the year-round spring cleaning.

Body-bagged, or not: Obama says Osama's dead. (Somehow it brings me slight amusement that their names rhyme and 'b' and 's' aren't even that far away from each other on the keyboard.) What is even sillier is that the news first erupted on Twitter. Once again, we are proven that much of this world rests on the tiny little shoulders of an azure, helpless-looking bird.  According to sources, Keith Urbahn, once chief of staff for former defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld, posted this note on Twitter: "So I'm told by a reputable person they have killed Osama Bin Laden. Hot damn." Indeed, my friend. So, drag it out to the sidewalk (by sidewalk I mean the sea) and no one'll utter 'RIP'.

Trumped 'n' trashed: The most delusional person on the face of the earth at the moment must be Donald Trump. He's quite adamant about running for presidency in the US. It has always pained me to look at his comb over and now I have to look at his comb over and watch him pretend like he knows something about the world outside of New York City. How far is he going to take this? Not only has he attacked the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth certificate---to which Mr. Obama responded with a semi-effective snippet of Simba's birth from Disney's The Lion King, although not very classy either coming from an American president---he has also attacked the legitimacy of Barack Obama's birth certificate on The View. (His ridonculoso babblings actually made the hosts seem rather intelligent.) But people are missing the real issue at hand here: Melania Trump as First Lady.

Compost for thought: Now, with the royal wedding over, here's some real gossip to think about: Pippa Middleton & Prince Harry. At least she looks less trashy than Chelsy Davy and way less orange.

Dish #73 - Hide 'em All in Rehab.

The Dish: Heads up. There is something wrong with Charlie Sheen. I keep seeing him on ET (for reasons which remain a mystery). My guess is that there is a lawsuit involved or that he is being his usual aggressive-aggressive-substance-abuse self. With so much nonsense going on in that man's life (his fight with cigarettes, with alcohol, with his producers, with being unemployed because of his fight with his producers, with drugs and with all his other addictions), why hasn't anyone pitched a reality show starring Sheen already? I propose a one-man version of Celebrity Rehab mixed Armed & Famous and Temptation Island. That should grab better ratings than Secret Millionaire.

'Just have fun': That's a direct quote. It's easy to say when you're Kim Kardashian. She has debuted her first new single. It's called 'Jam (Turn It Up)'. It's very personal. She explores issues like partying, spending money and 'feeling good' and 'Imam burn it out tonight [...] By live via satellite'. Poor thing, she's trying so hard. The song is for a charitable cause. Ok, that's still not enough to redeem how shitty and ridiculously uninspiring the song is. It's total garbage. I feel bad for the charity. (Note: The following 'music' contains a subject matter and is generally rated to not be suitable for extended exposure. If you experience a sudden upset in stomach or hallucinations showing the end of the world, pressing the pause button immediately is strongly suggested. Listeners' discretion is advised.)



They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no': Well-penned, Amy Winehouse. But it's Christina Aguilera that has a drinking problem this time. They all crack at some point, don't they? Her friends are urging her to seek rehab. Even her ex-husband is concerned for their child's safety. Xtina, however, is firmly refusing treatment. I'm casting her in my fake Charlie Sheen reality show The Secret American Dream: Real Celebrities Against Rehab. I guess Lindsey could guest star.

And lastly: A lock of Justin Bieber's hair auctioned for $40,668US. Talk about social injustice. 

Dish #72 - Kill the Happy Rainbow.

The Dish: First off, I'd like to welcome myself back into the world of gossip and 'news', lol. The whole being-in-Hawaii-with-all-its-happy-sunshine-ness temporarily uplifted the cynicism out of me. I have to admit, since everything was so bright, sweet and full of nectar, I did let the Hawaiian way get into my head. No fear, I will not remain jolly forever. There is nothing like a good dose of terrible Oscar-ness to whip me back in shape!

The Oscars: It was possibly the WORST and boring-est Oscar show since its inauguration by whatever council/academy/guild/blah blah blah in 1929. The banter sucked, the acceptance speeches sucked, the entertainment, or the lack thereof, was, um, below par and I actually don't remember anything from the show. Oprah showed up (I think) but then again she's everywhere so that doesn't earn the Academy any brownie points.

Who hired James Franco?? Who decided that he had hosting capabilities? Watching an automatic stapler staple blank Post-Its together would have been more captivating than his face during the awards ceremony. He looked like he was still recovering from his roles from 'The Pineapple Express' and '127 Hours': stoned and really, really burnt out. Couldn't they have put some makeup on him and cover those nasty eye bags? 

Anne Hathaway...That girl (nervous)-giggles too much. And how many times did she have to change? Her speed-changing through outfits gave me motion sickness. That one blue dress she had on made Amy Adams look pale in comparison (By the way, oh sweet Lord, what was Ms. Adams thinking?) Did I miss a Vogue issue but since when was electric blue with sequins fashionable again? 

My Oscar Awards 2011 go to:

Best Dressed: Mila Kunis

Best Dressed - Runner-Up: Halle Berry

Best Dressed - Honourable Mentions: Gwyneth Paltrow, Helen Mirren

Best Colour Palette: Scarlett Johansson

Best Hair: Celine Dion

Worst Dressed: Melissa Leo...is that even called a dress?

Worst Dressed - Runner-Up: Helena Bonham Carter

Worst Dressed - Honourable Mentions: Annette Benning, Florence Welch

Worst Colour Palette: Amy Adams

Worst Hair: Reese Witherspoon

Some Personal Coronations:

'E' For Effort: Jennifer Hudson

Most Ugh-Crustacean-Friendly: Cate Blanchett 

The 'Oh, Honey' Dress: Marisa Tomei

Most Naturally Appropriate: Hailee Steinfield

The Skanky Prom Queen: Penelope Cruz

Coolest Accessories - Tassels Earrings: Natalie Portman

Creepiest Ensemble: Sharon 'Cruella Deville' Stone

Hottest Arm Candy: 'Nearly Nude' Camila Alves 

Robo-Stepford Wife: Nicole Kidman

And finally:
The Lifetime Joaquin Phoenix Impression Achievement Award: 
Christian Bale (He so is method acting...)

Overall Oscars 2011 Grade: D-

My Pick for Oscars Host 2012: Robert Downing Jr.

Dish #70 - Monochrome.

The Dish: I finally went through all the photos from my trip.  These were taken at a harbour in Maui. Some of us went sport fishing for $160/pp and caught nothing. I'm not sorry I missed that trip.

Dish #69 - Kauai: I'm Blue.

The Dish: Here are some more photos from Kauai. I miss the blue sky and waters. The weather was always perfect. You can just spend the entire weekend at the beach...reminds me of the days in Santa Monica.